Training like a girl

At the start of last year I took the “Women are not small men” course with Dr Stacy Sims. And I’ve been meaning to write this blog ever since but I’ve felt like I am still on a learning journey – and part of me really wanted to test it out and see if it worked. Over the last 18 months there have been so many “ah-ha!” moments, and “why was I not taught this before?” moments. Let’s be real, the history of women’s sport is not as long as men’s – for example, the women’s marathon only became an Olympic event in 1984, and until recently most sports science studies have been done on College age males, and most studies that have included women have ignored factors like hormonal fluctuation over the menstrual cycle because its “too complicated”. When I first saw the quote “women are not small men” I thought it was an odd thing to say, like “duh!” but if you look at the nutritional and training guidelines for athletes and really look at them, that’s exactly how they treat women!! There is still so much work to be done in this area but it is an area that is growing more and more, thanks to amazing women like Dr Stacy Sims. Women are already making huge jumps in performance, imagine how much further we can go when nutritional guidelines and training plans are actually geared to our specific needs!

Knowledge is power, and being able to use that knowledge is empowering. So where do we start? Well, I guess we start with the foundation of the female difference – the menstrual cycle. We were probably all taught in school that the female cycle is 28 days, starting with your period, ovulation occurring on in the middle and then if pregnancy doesn’t happen then the lining of the uterus sheds and the whole cycle starts again. Simple, right? Well, yes and no. Let’s talk about the what actually happens on a hormonal level.

We can divide the menstrual cycle into 3 phases – the follicular phase, ovulation and the luteal phase. The follicular, or low hormone phase starts with menstruation when our hormone levels drop causing the endometrial lining to shed. In this phase, we are most similar hormonally to men as our estrogen and progesterone levels (the main female sex hormones) are at their lowest. During this phase most women will feel more energetic and stronger, and be more geared to higher intensity training. This lasts until ovulation when we have a surge of estrogen and lutenising hormone, which brings us to the ovulatory phase. The ovulatory phase lasts roughly 5 days beginning the day before ovulation occurs. As we get a surge of estrogen we can often hit PBs around this time – some women will feel great during ovulation but for others they might feel flat the day of ovulation and 24-48 hours after. After ovulation our progesterone and estrogen levels rise as our endometrial lining thickens in preparation for pregnancy which is what we call our luteal, or high hormone phase. As our hormones rise this is when we may feel more fatigued, have difficulty hitting high intensities and recovering, especially during the last few days before our periods start.

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The reason these fluctuations in hormones have such an impact over how we
feel and perform as an athlete is because they have affects far beyond just our
reproductive health. They change how our body stores or burns glycogen, our
heat tolerance, how much time we need to recover and how well we sleep.
Tracking how we feel, how long our cycles are, when/if we ovulate is important,
and once you learn to tune in to your body and work with these fluctuations, it
can also be super empowering. Knowing how to make adjustments to your training
and/or your nutrition to help you perform and adapt for maximum benefit can
make all the difference. And being able to recognise if there are changes to
your cycle sooner can help you to stay healthy and injury free by enabling to
address imbalances in your energy intake or inadequate recovery.

So where should you start? Before making any changes to your training or
nutrition based on your cycle I would recommend spending 3 or more cycles just
tracking to see where you are and get an idea or your normal. There are many
apps that you can choose from to assist you with this, or simply making a note
in your diary if that is what you prefer. This all comes down to preference
really. There are lots of apps to track your cycle alone – lots of these are
geared towards fertility or contraceptive awareness method. Commonly used ones
include Kindara or Flo. You may find these helpful if you are just starting
out, for example, I like to use Kindara to track my basal temperature to see when
I ovulate and my hormones shift into the high hormone/luteal phase.

There are also a couple of really great apps specifically for female
athletes that help you track your cycle with your training and make
recommendations on interventions or training adaptations based on where you are
in your cycle. FitrWoman is the first one I used. It splits your cycle into
four phases and gives you guidelines for each phase, including some really
great recipe ideas. At the end of each day you can log the intensity of your
training as well as symptoms, feelings, etc. There is also a platform for
coaches to be able to log in and see where their athletes are in their cycle
and what symptoms they have logged so they can help you make adjustments to
your training.

For the last 8 months or so I have been using a relatively new
app that Dr. Stacy Sims helped to create called WILD.AI and I have to say that
for me I find this the best. When you set it up you can choose your lifecycle
(ie. natural cycling, IUD, menopausal, etc), some these I believe are still in
the beta testing phase. I love this app because it gives you the option to
choose one of their plans which it will base around your cycle, but it will
also allow you to input your own training for the day and based on that it will
give you pre and post training recommendations for nutrition, recovery and it
will prompt you to check in after your session (it can link you your Garmin or
Strava) and log how you felt during the workout which can be great so you can
really see where your body is at. The specific nutrition recommendations in
this app have been a game changer for me – adjusting the timing of my
pre-training fuel and slightly increasing my carbohydrate intake has made so
much difference to my performance and how I feel during my training sessions.

Cycle tracking and being able use that knowledge to tune into our bodies and
to perform better is so empowering. Having a menstrual cycle is a superpower,
not something to be embarrassed about or to fear. Embrace your superpower.

Running just for me

Today I ran for the first time after a week off. This time it was by choice. Last Saturday I ran my first ultramarathon – the Bruny Island Ultra 64km. Although it agreed beforehand that I would have one or two weeks off training, my body has told me that this was not optional – despite pulling up pretty well after the first couple of days, the tiredness has been real, and I have definitely needed the physical and mental break. I tried to write this a week ago, the day after the race but there were too many emotions rolling around.

The road to Bruny was not exactly smooth, and I can’t say that I enjoyed every moment but I did learn a lot and found a lot of room for growth through the journey.

Bruny Island Ultra solo had been run I had wanted to do since the first time I experienced as part of a relay team years ago, but it had never been the right time. In the years where I was running at my fastest, we had kept my focusing on the marathon and shorter distances to improve my speed. And then I had spent time being injured and in recovery. Last year, I ran as part of a relay team with a group of girls who were part of PRG when I first started training with the group. It was an incredibly fun day competing and supporting each other and all the other competitors, and I also watched my good friend and training buddy push himself to the absolute limit in the solo event. I watched him cross the line at the top of the steps to the lighthouse, having given everything he had and I knew that I wanted that moment too. When coach asked me earlier this year if I had to choose just one goal race for the year what would it be, I barely hesitated. And so the goal was set.

After a solid winter season of cross country with a decent base and some form returning it was time to really knuckle down and focus, adding some distance and really putting together the tough sessions that would get me there. I have to be honest, I knew that the ultimate goal I had set was going to be a long shot. Looking at the numbers written on the board of targets that I needed to hit in the months leading up to the race, I was terrified. I knew it was going to have to be a perfect build up and a dream race day. But I knew I wanted it more than anything.

I am not proud to say that I made more than one mistake along the way. The first being falling back into the old trap of pushing harder and harder, day after day without allowing myself adequate recovery and rest. I admit that I love hard work – the feeling at the end of a high intensity workout when you have given it everything you have. The truth is, its a lot easier to keep pushing than to back off and allow your body time to recover and adapt to the training. I mean, if you are working hard day after day, who can say you aren’t doing enough, right?

After a minor niggle back in June/July where I was actually smart enough to back off my training a bit before it turned into anything more I will admit I was feeling like I had finally got things together and was actually being smart. I felt amazingly good after a few weeks of reduced load (go figure!), and Bruny was getting closer. Time to really push. August and September were challenge months and I revelled in it. It was so easy to fall back into the trap of getting obsessed with numbers – daily step goals, a certain number of 1kms under x pace, how many hills can you do in a day. I was ticking boxes and things were looking on track so it was easy to ignore the growing fatigue and a small niggle that came and went but never really stopped me or slowed me down. Last time it was really nothing and I was so close to hitting all my September challenges, just get to the end of the month and then give it a day or two to rest, it’ll be fine.

Mistake number 2 – not really listening to my body. The last day of September saw me cutting my run short and walking away from my step goal with 10, 000 to go. A week later I was at the physio. Since my regular physio was on leave for the rest of the year, I went to see Chrissy who I had seen a couple of times before. She walked in, said she had reviewed my history, listened to my description of where I was at and, without even testing or looking at my shin, told me exactly what I needed to do in the short term and in future to avoid problems like this again. Despite telling me I needed at least 5 days off running (ideally 10 days), she was confident I could still make it to Bruny start line in 7 weeks time. And I decided to believe her.

To everyone’s surprise (including my own) I choose to take the full 10 days off. I wanted to give myself the best chance to get to Bruny without recurring shin pain. I stayed focused, doing cardio work on the bike and working on my calf strength (which was significantly lacking). When I started running again my leg felt mostly better but there was still some pain, and I was reduced to half volume on every second day. And now that I was allowed to run again Bruny seemed so much less likely to happen. After seeing Chrissy for the second time I walked out feeling confident but by the afternoon I was in panic mood. I went out for a run putting so much pressure on that one short run and what it would mean for my race – I felt awkward and heavy legged, my heart rate seemed to be way too high and I just felt my dream disappearing completely.

That evening, crying to Trent and messaging coach Pete and another training buddy I was almost inconsolable. Other people were echoing my thoughts and fears – Bruny wasn’t going to happen, I was so under-trained, there was no way I could be ready to chase my goal time. I felt like my world was ending, again (dramatic much?). By the next day, one message from coach – “maybe you need a change” had been rolling round in my head. He was right, but maybe not in the way he had meant at the time.

Once again, I managed to turn a setback into a positive. For a long while, since reading ROAR by Dr Stacey Sims, I had been rolling around the idea of altering my training program to fit around my menstrual cycle. I had also had previous discussions with Hanny Allston on some of our runs together about her wave training model, and whether that could be changed to a 4 week cycle. After seeking advice from Hanny on whether she thought I could make it to Bruny with only 5 and a half weeks to go, on 3-4 runs per week. A few days later I met with Pete and proposed my new plan, and the reasoning behind it. Luckily for me, he was 100% on board, even excited by this new idea. We played around with the outline, working around allowing recovery between hard days, using the bike for some cross training and increasing my long runs over the next few weeks to get some time in my legs.

I was excited about this new plan, and I started feeling good. The problem was I was still in two minds about whether I would run Bruny. I remember turning up to Pete’s work for a massage one and he said to me that he felt like I needed to commit one way or another, otherwise I was just going to be yoyo-ing about and it was just causing stress. I was scared, I knew I wanted to run – but I knew also that I was not going to have done the work to achieve the time I had dreamed of. I was scared of being judged for whichever decision I made – if I choose not to run, I would be that girl who used to be a good runner, could have been great but just couldn’t keep injury free, always had an excuse for not performing, and if I did run, I would fall well below expectations and be just a has been, everyone would see me fail. Now that is probably unfair and more a reflection of what I was feeling about myself – I had so many doubts that I would ever be able to do hard things like I used to ever again, to be tough and beat challenges. It might sound strange but I often feel like that girl who won races, ran a 2.46 marathon, completed the Tasmanian Trail, all those crazy hard things, was a completely different person. And in a lot of ways I guess she was, but she was still me.

It took a few days of trying not to think about Bruny – trying to be logical about it was just leading to overthinking and conflicting feelings which were causing me stress. I knew it was probably crazy but I wanted to run. However, running Bruny meant that I would have to accept that I was severely lacking in long runs and my speed endurance as well. I had to be realistic about where I was at 5 weeks out and what I thought I could achieve. I knew chasing after the dream numbers would not end well. Over the next few weeks I made my focus being the best I could be on any given day. I did the work that I could, that would give me the best possible chance to have the best run I could achieve on the day. Instead of looking ahead and worrying about race day, I tried to be more mindful and stay in the run or cross training session I was in. I surprised myself by getting a few longer runs than I expected, and the focus on getting good recovery actually meant I performed better in my harder sessions and long runs. After my final (and only) big long run 2 weeks before Bruny I was ready.

A week out from the race I sat down with Pete at our weekly meeting. The question proposed was “what would being happy when you cross that finish line mean?”. I can tell you that the answers had nothing to do with a time or pace. It was all about how I felt during the run and whether I gave my best on the day. Throughout taper week I felt surprisingly calm and positive. Instead of falling victim to the extra free time, taper week niggles and grumps I kept focus on being organised, keeping things simple and only worrying about what I could control. It felt like everything amazingly fell into place perfectly.

The amazing thing about the Bruny Island Ultra is the atmosphere and community spirit. Choosing your own start time and setting off, you really have no idea of where you are in comparison to the other runners. For me, this was the perfect race as it really allowed me to just run my own race. Throughout the journey you cross paths with relay teams and potentially other solo runners, and for the first time I really enjoyed these interactions from many people who I knew but also many that I didn’t, and smiled more than I probably have in any other race. While the day went pretty closely to plan it wasn’t without it’s hard moments – I remember feeling like I was dropping off the pace a bit too much earlier than I expected and felt like I was struggling a lot. Somewhere around 28km I had the thought that next time I saw Pete I was going to tell him I was just going to get in the car and go home, although I don’t think I actually would have, by the time I got to Pete it wasn’t even a conversation – he just told me I was coming up to my first solo scalp of the day who was about 2 minutes ahead, food, drink, go. And off I went. I put one foot in front of the other until eventually I started feeling better and moving forward. The surprise appearance of my good friends Mick and Nat at 50km where Pete jumped out of the car to run the last 14km with me gave me a new energy as I started to enter the gravel hills that make the last 10km of this race so hard. I was grateful to have planned for these, knowing to play to my strengths, not stressing myself on the uphills and make the best of the downhill sections. When I crossed the line at the top of the hill to the lighthouse in 6hrs and 18 secs I knew that I had given my all and I was proud of every step.

I am so grateful for everyone who is supporting me through this process, even when my decision didn’t necessarily make the most logical sense. I feel like I am constantly learning and growing as a person and an athlete. While I believe having goals to work towards is important, I think it is equally important to be accepting of where you are on any given day along the way. Not every day will be your best day, but you can be the best you can be on any day you choose and that is enough.

📸 Natalie Flemming (thanks Nat!)

Dear Sister

Dear sister, I see you.

I see your struggle. I see the pain behind the smile, the fear behind the brave face. I see it because I have stood where you stand. We grew up being taught that being thinner was the key to being happy, being beautiful would bring you love, and fitting in was something to aspire to. We watched women we love and admire cycle through a pattern of fad dieting, of berating their bodies and avoiding cameras so they wouldn’t “ruin the photo”. We are surrounded by diet culture at every turn and we don’t even know it. How do we find our worth in a culture that tells us we are never enough?

I wish that I could walk this road for you, to protect you so you don’t go where I have been, or to guide you back to where it is safe and light. But this is your journey to take, not mine. Your steps to choose. The answers are there for you if seek them.

Life will always throw you challenges. There will always be uncomfortable feelings, that is what it is to be human. Let yourself feel them, don’t fight or try to hide from them. Learn to sit, feel and let them go. Be human. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved, or to love yourself. Don’t make yourself small. Be bold, be bright, be authentically you.

When I was stuck in my eating disorder, my world was so small and my vision was so narrow. It was like being in a dark tunnel with just a small torch to guide myself, I could barely see what was happening around me. My journey has taken me through the tunnel and slowly the torch circle widened, bigger and bigger until I could see outside and how bright it was. There is so much life outside, and now I am shining my light for you. Let the world see you.

I will be here for you always. I will always keep a light shining to guide you. No matter what path you choose, you have my love. You are enough, and you always have been.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Recently I joined Strava as part of a winter challenge. I resisted joining for a long time for many reasons but mostly because I really didn’t want other people seeing what training I was doing or not doing. The challenge was a “team” challenge between all the different states of Australia – which state could cover the most kilometers over the month of June. I told myself this wasn’t going to change my training, I wasn’t going worrying about what everyone else was doing or even look at Strava. Easier said than done.

Within minutes of joining up I had emails and notifications about people following me. How?! And oh gosh, it didn’t sync all my activities and now people are liking my warm up run – they must think I’m so unfit. And who are all these people anyway?

Wow, I thought I was past worrying about what other people thought or what other people were doing. It’s just so easy to fall into that trap of looking at what other people are doing, posting on social media or even just people you come into contact with day to day. We see people achieving and we start looking at ourselves thinking “am I doing enough?”, “what am I doing wrong?”, “maybe I should be doing what they’re doing”. We question ourselves, doubts creep in and often we start to believe that we are not enough. We lose the joy, the reason we do things we love.

I know from experience that I perform best when the pressure is off and I let go of expectations. When you are coming back from recovery, whether its from injury or other reasons, there are so many ways to compare yourself – you look to your past self, your times, achievements and your physical appearance, they way you used to train, the people you used to compete against and beat. You have expectations of where you think you should be, how long it will take you to get back to certain points. At least I know I do. In these moments, I feel less than. I feel like I need to prove myself, to be better. But what I am learning through this journey and through the wisdom of others is that, it is ok to be exactly where you are. Allowing yourself to be present in the moment and be happy there, knowing that it is ok to be there. It is great to have goals and dreams to work towards, but more important than that is enjoying the journey to get there otherwise we are constantly pushing forward and looking for the next big thing without ever really being satisfied.

There is a wall in the yoga room at pilates studio that I go to, and it has a quote on it which I love. It reminds me that it is important to listen to yourself and be mindful of that chatter going on around you and within you. Trust yourself, trust your journey.

What would you change?

Sitting next to my coach Pete at the smoothie bar for a weekly Friday meeting we were nearing the end. He turns to me and says “I have an important question for you”. Oh here we go, I thought. “You don’t have to answer straight away, but I want at least one answer today.” Right… This was not a particularly unusual scenario, we have had many of these conversations over the years, and I am grateful for him being brave enough to ask the tough questions and offering a safe space to answer them, without judgement.

“What would you change in the last 5 years?” He asked. I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. You would think there would be a few obvious ones, after battling several injuries coming when I was on a massive upward trajectory with my running goals within my grasp. I sat and thought. “That’s a tough question,” I finally replied. As much as there are things that were super hard to go through, some that may have been avoidable, others, well, who knows really? I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change any of it, even my most recent minor step back. Without going through all those challenging situations I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Through any challenge it is your choice how you move forward. Which thoughts do you choose to listen to? Do you learn from you’re mistakes? Accept the situation and turn it into an opportunity for improvement? Or do you let it make you miserable and pull you down?

This week alone I have seen posts on social media from several elite athletes with recent injuries, and it is so encouraging to see them open up and be real. But most of all they are turning their situations into positives – learning, growing stronger, changing their behaviours to do things better.

Over January I battled with a tight calf. After a big month in December, with big kms, hard sessions and some crazy work shifts thrown, I was feeling like I was in a great spot. However, a tight calf and glute that just wouldn’t loosen up (and a few other personal issues) meant putting the breaks on a bit. I knew that I was fatigued and after trying to see if I could keep working through it, I accepted that I needed to back off a little and let myself recover so I didn’t end up completely sidelined again. Amazingly, I managed to navigate through it without completely stopping. It did mean that a few of the race goals that had been floating around but not set in stone fell by the wayside, which in a way was disappointing, but there have been so many more positives to come from it that far out weigh them.

Pete and I work very much as a team in planning my training and race goals. We used the opportunity of reduced training load to really focus on good recovery and refresh. An emphasis on less structure in training plan, placing most importance on SLEEP and a little bit of strength focusing on weak areas (hello calves and glutes). The holiday I had planned with Trent was exactly what I needed and I was actually grateful not to be in marathon build up. I ran when I felt like it and when it fitted in with our plans, enjoyed being active with Trent during the days – walking, kayaking, exploring and even doing things that I did not think I would. It was exactly what I needed – honestly it was the first time in a long, long time that I have allowed myself to fully relax, no pressure to maintain fitness or burn a certain number of calories, able to enjoy eating out and being somewhere different. And you know what? I didn’t lose fitness and my body and mind have been loving being able run again and feel good moving. I found that joy, that sparkle in my eye is back.

Moving forward, we are using this opportunity to finally make some serious changes to the way I train, how many sessions I do and how we build volume. My focus on getting good recovery and sleep is carrying through. I’m learning from Dr Stacey Sims’ book ROAR how to adjust my nutrition for training, especially around my menstrual cycle to optimise performance and results. And most of all, I am (finally) really tuning in to my body and listening to it (yes, I thought I had this down before – apparently the stubborn part of me sometimes didn’t like what it heard).

My race times may not have improved in the last few months but there is so much more to running well than just numbers. I’m enjoying this feeling of joy and relishing it while it lasts. Everyone of us has battles at times. Its up to you how you choose to face them. What would you change in the last 5 years?

She’s back

Ok, so I am terrible at keeping my commitment to write regular blog posts. Here it is, 10 months since my last post. In all honesty I have started a few times to write something and never finished it, but I have also had periods of time where I felt like a fraud, as if my recovery journey was not valid. Well, you know what? Every recovery is real and 100% badass!

As I write this, I am sitting in appartment in Melbourne preparing myself for the Melbourne Marathon festival tomorrow where I will running in the half marathon. This is my first big race in nearly 2 years! And I may be freaking out just a little. But I am so excited and grateful that my body has allowed me to get back to this point.

Tomorrow will be another step forward, whatever the result. The months of training, re-building fitness, strength and endurance, and learning to fuel my body to perform. It’s been a long process. I’ve had to relearn everything I had been taught, the years of dieting, suppressing hunger signals and notions that thinner is better. Sometimes it has felt like 1 step forward, 3 steps back and there have definitely been times when I have wanted to go back to the old ways and the messages all around us tell me I am wrong. But I know better, and experience now tells me that to stay healthy and perform well my body needs food and rest, important aspects of a training program that I overlooked in the past.

I wanted to take this moment to look back on the last few months and appreciate the progress I have made. When I set myself the goal to run this half marathon back in January I expected to be back in PB form. And I may have been if things had gone perfectly, however life isn’t perfect and this recovery process isn’t linear. In April, an injury scare almost paralysed me and I barely ran a step in 6 weeks. I was so frightened of being injured again. It took several visits to my physio, an MRI scan, 2 different doctors, an exercise physiologist and my coach for me to believe that I didn’t have another stress fracture. In the end, I had to make the choice to accept the pain was there but that it was ok and commit to the rehab plan set by my physio. It wasn’t the experience I would have chosen but it was an important one.

The last few months I have made great progress, not just in training but also in my mindset. I have fostered a new belief and commitment to my goals, and a dedication to my training and keeping myself healthy. I have been truly amazed by some of the milestones I have hit recently, like a 100km+ training week, consistently training over 90km/week, a 30km long run and a sub 4min/km. And through all this my body has stayed healthy, I have cycled normally for nearly 18 months and I am stronger every week.

Even though I am not aiming for a PB tomorrow, as hard as it is to accept, I am still excited to see what I can do and to enjoy doing something I love. I really want to celebrate my body for all it is and all it does for me. I know that my amazing family and friends back home will be cheering me on and willing me across that finish line. It will be the start of another big chapter.

Whoops…so much for making regular posts

So it’s been a while since I last posted. Not what I intended but hey, life happens sometimes. In truth, I have probably written several blogs in my head during this time but never actually managed to put pen to paper (or you know, keyboard to screen). Anyway, now it’s 2018 and everyone is writing about their reflections on the past year and how they are going to change this year.

Well, I spent a lot of the last 18 months reflecting and I’ve made a lot of changes along the way already. At this point I’m pretty happy to keep on the path I’m on. Not saying that I have my shit all together and my life is perfect, far from it, however I am happy with the changes and the progress I’m making. This year is all about building on the foundations built over the past 18 months.

You always finds inspirational quotes about how hard times make you stronger, the darkest hour is before the dawn, etc, etc. And as corny as it sounds, I have found it to be true. I can’t remember where I read it but someone talked about we often think making progress is just about moving forward, but in actuality, if you think about building any strong house you have to dig down first, build a strong foundation before you build up. I feel like that is where I am at. 

I thought I was falling apart, literally, after 2 stress fractures but actually it was helping me to really face issues I needed to, do the work and build a stronger body and mind. Now I have set that solid foundation I am ready. Ready to build up and up and up.

So stay tuned. There is so much more to come. 

Worth the weight?

Is it? Really? This past week especially I’ve been really questioning it.  The truth is, I have no idea how much exactly I have gained in my recovery – in February, I started Jessica Sepel’s 8-week program and banned the scales (and diets) from my life.  But the fact remains that I no longer fit into my old clothes and I have gone up a few sizes, and of course I can see it every time I look in a mirror.

As one of my wise friends put it: it’s a complete mind-f***.  How do you get your head around it? Once I was thin, running fast, and so fit I could run 20km and barely feel it, but I was unhealthy.  Now I weigh more than I have for a long time and just learning to run again, but I am much healthier than I have been for a long time.

Society and health scales say I’m overweight, unhealthy, unattractive.  How do you deal with that?  Well, it’s not easy.  It’s not easy to teach yourself a whole new way of thinking, to break away from disordered behaviours, especially when it is going against what nearly everyone else is telling you. But I am damn sure trying.

“The only constant in life is change”. My body is not the same as it was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, and it will not be the same tomorrow as it is today.  Everything takes time.  Reminding myself of this helps me to accept where I am today and to keep being patient.

So is it worth it? Hell yes! Is it easy? Not at all.  But each day I feel myself becoming stronger, healthier and happier, and that is worth all the weight in the world.

Keys to recovery

I mentioned in my first blog post that as well as recovering from injuries (specifically my 2nd stress fracture in less than a year) I have also been on a journey of recovering from hypothalmic amenorrhea (HA).  I recently shared my story with Jill Puleo from A Case of the Jills and if you want to check it out head over to acaseofthejills.com and for anyone going through this I highly recommend connecting with this amazing women.

HA is a serious issue that is not widely recognised by doctors.  It is caused by a combination of physical stress (exercise and/or weight loss), emotional stress and under-fuelling.  The balance of which can be quite different for each individual and so recovery can be a difficult journey, often involving quite drastic lifestyle changes which are extremely daunting.  The tricky part is a major key to recovery is reducing stress while often the other changes you need to make (eating more, gaining weight and reducing exercise) can be quite emotionally stressful in themselves.

I truly believe that if I had not had the injuries I would not have been in a state to be able to make the changes needed to heal my body and get my period back, so for that I am extremely thankful.  It took me 3.5 years from when I discovered my periods were missing to be able to find the solution to resolve it and to then commit to the process.

I have now had 4 natural cycles so I am a good way into recovery however it is still a matter of slowly, slowly making changes to make sure that my recovery continues and I can get back to being a stronger, better, faster runner with a healthy body and a balanced life.  There have been several key elements that I believe have been key to my recovery that I want to share.

#1 Learning to love my body

Not as easy as it sounds.  For a long time, even when I was running I was already trying to change my body and I was never happy with how it looked.  I was never skinny enough, muscly enough, pretty enough.  Sound familiar?  This body that was doing amazing, amazing things like running marathons and completing super hard training sessions and all I could see was what I didn’t like about it.  At first my injuries caused me to aim a lot of anger and feelings of betrayal at my body, until I finally recognised that I was the one who had betrayed my body.   Jessica Sepel‘s books “The Healthy Life” and “Living the Healthy Life” have been the biggest help in this area.

#2 Changing my language

The mind and the way you speak is so powerful.  When I changed the way I felt about my body, I changed the way I thought and spoke about it.  The word “fat” was banned from my vocabulary.

#3 Let go of guilt around food

You know the cycle – demonising junk food, slip up and eat that cake or burger, then feel awful and ashamed.  Let it go!!  Enjoy that chocolate or cake in moderation, you’re body can handle it much better when you are ok with it.

#4 Trust your body

Our bodies are so smart – they know what they are doing, you just have to trust them.

#5 Have an amazing support team

I am so so grateful for all the amazing people in my inner circle, and I would not have got through it without them.  My coach, my best friend, my family and most of all my partner who has copped a lot of my crazy, cranky moments and meltdowns and still stuck by me.  Of course they may not always tell me what I want to hear, they also give me a good kick up the bum when I need it as well.

#6 Find help and information

For years I didn’t look for it because I didn’t really want to know, I was happy to go along and pretend to myself that it wasn’t a big deal.  When I was ready to commit I found so many amazing resources and support groups and women sharing their stories.  There is an amazing book by Nicola Rinaldi called No Period, Now What? and I definitely recommend that the first place to start.  Also some blogs and podcasts by Tina Muir on her Running for Real website, and of course acaseofthejills.com

#7 Be determined and decisive

This is your journey.  Take control, decide what you want, use what you have and go for it.  There is so much conflicting information and sometimes its hard to know what is right.  Go with your gut and be focused on your goal.

 

You are strong.  You are brave. You are not alone.

Much love. xo

It’s a mind game

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much of a mental challenge recovery is – from both injury and hypothalamic ammenorhea (HA).   This last week I have been feeling pain around my old (supposedly healed) fractures and it’s really got me down.  I’ve been questioning everything – have I done too much, too soon?  No, I haven’t even run more than 6 minutes at a time, does that mean it’s not really healed? will I be broken forever?  and what if I can never run again? maybe my body just won’t let me.

Honestly, I am pretty sure most athletes who have had injuries can probably relate to this.   As hard as it is if you can’t train at all, in some ways it’s almost easier than when you finally do get to start returning to your sport.  You want to pick up right back where you left off, be as fit and as fast as you were.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend took me on a walk along a disused railway track.  We walked through an old tunnel which was 800m long.  Standing at the entrance looking through you could see the light at the other end, it didn’t look that far.  Once we entered the tunnel though, it was a different story.  The further we went, the longer the tunnel seemed to become.  It was so dark we could barely see around us apart from a small amount of light from Trent’s head torch.  I knew we were moving forward and getting closer to the tunnel, but it felt like the end was getting further and further away. Sometimes this is how recovery feels.  If you look back you can see where you came from and see how far you’ve come, but if you only look ahead it can feel like you are getting no where.

It’s fair to say that I am very goal-orientated, which is great and it has helped me to a lot of successes in my life.  However, it’s important to have a look back every now and then, and see how far you have already come.

So now, while I working to make my body healthy and strong, it is important for my mind that I remind myself to be kind, be patient and positive, and be mindful of where I am at this moment.  I cannot get to where I want to go without being where I am right now.

Healthy, strong body with a healthy, strong mind.